So writing is my only hobby, really. I perform at open mics, I (very rarely) hike, I read. But honestly if I have any free time I panic and default to writing little lines in a word doc, I think because a long time ago I decided I wanted to be an author and I ran with it. The thing about any creative pursuit, however, is you have to be very intentional about it, unless you happen to have enough money that you can get on without a day job sucking away your time. And even then it has to be a conscious choice to sit down and make something out of nothing.
That, in case it isn't obvious, is where I falter.
From a super young age I was taught that the things you need to get done come first. Homework, chores, your friends who have new emotional crises every hour that require your intervention. I had a very, very easy and privileged childhood but I also had some cognitive struggles which meant tasks took a frustratingly long time. I would sit at the kitchen table for hours in elementary school trying to answer my five history questions or thirty math problems, reading the directions over and over again just trying to make sense of it. Ironically, I think part of the issue is I had no idea how to put my thoughts onto paper. I knew the answer but how could I explain it? What did the teacher actually expect of me? I was so afraid of sounding unintelligent (because I ramble too much, can you imagine?) or getting the answer wrong (because my brain does not like to process information) that I just couldn't start. But I had to get it done. So, eventually I just had to grit my teeth and force my way through. Even if it took up the entire night and left me with absolutely no free time.
This led to a weird problem where I have no problem following orders and overextending myself when something is required of me. I tend to work long hours, take on a bunch of projects, volunteer for any sort of extra busy work, just because otherwise I have trouble filling my days. In a job (a structured environment) I know what's expected and have pressure to perform well. I have people to learn from and a clear set of documented procedures to follow. I can't struggle because if I don't do it right, or if I take too long, I lose my means of survival and let everyone down. So I brute force it until I get it right. Which leaves me very little energy at the end of the day. It also doesn't help that it takes me forever to adopt new skills. I always have to start ridiculously slow and let others walk me through several times before I feel confident doing it myself and if I'm doing that at work, or when trying to cook dinner, or cleaning the house properly, how am I supposed to feel good about trying new things that I want to do?
This has all been weighing on me as I start a new job, and deal with some physical health stuff that has left me feeling a tad miserable and pathetic. Writing like this is a good way for me to see what's eating at me and try to get to the source so I can fix it. I've been haunted by insecurity for a very long time and it gets in the way of me putting myself out there. I'm still afraid I'll look dumb or do it wrong, because nothing seems to come easy to me skills wise. There's no inherent talent- just a woman trying desperately to get her point across so she feels a little less alone.
Anyway, I have been trying new things (like hosting said open mic/poetry slam), taking more initiative in my new role, being a better communicator, and just in general becoming an actual person rather than just a task robot that sits idly when not on the clock. Maybe I'm getting closer to being someone with ambition. But in the meantime I wrote a poem and this blog post today so. Small steps.